By the time we reach our 30’s, most of us have learned and applied listening skills that facilitate effective dialogue, discussion and even relationships in our personal and professional lives.
I once considered myself to be a pretty good listener, and actually received confirming feedback in that regard. I had the opportunity to redefine what being a good listener meant when I began my coach training. That’s where I became aware of the gap between where I was and where my clients would need me to be.
Lesson number one? Stop talking.
If you’ve done any reading on how to become a better listener, you know we are capable of listening at a number of different levels, and most of us, most of the time, listen at a fairly low level – being selective about where our attention is paid. While thought leaders like Covey, Kahane, and Kimsey-House et al, describe each level differently, they have a similar description of listening at the highest level. Like an old-fashioned radio dial, this is where the listener tunes all parts of themselves - senses, feelings and intuition to the frequency of the speaker. They open their minds and hearts to the experience of listening. It is a powerful place to be for both the listener and the speaker and I would describe the experience of being listened to at this level as nothing short of PROFOUND.
I’ve come to realize that listening, profound listening is achieved beyond skill and is attained through practice – that’s Practice with a big P. Yes, there is considerable skill required to become a good listener; to be transformative though is to be on a journey toward mastery. Like yoga, profound listening is a practice.
A practice is a personal undertaking. I don’t have a definitive guidebook on how to build your listening practice. What I can share are the areas of discipline I’m bringing to mine.
Being Present
Commit to bringing all of yourself to the present moment, to the now of the speaker. No devices, no multi-tasking, and where possible no notetaking. Just you and your time - no watching the clock or on the run to your next most important task. Be present and be still in your thoughts, just like you are taught to be on your yoga mat.
Being present is about focusing on the person speaking, intently listening to what is being said, and of equal importance, to what is not being said.
““When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.””
Being Intentional
Listening from this place is about discovery, realizations and creating space for those incredible A-ha moments. Being intentional in your practice of listening means not trying to figure out what to say next. By the way, that’s not listening at all, that’s just pausing until you can find an opening to start speaking.
Being Engaged
An engaged listener provides the speaker with valuable feedback. Physical movements like leaning forward, nodding, tilting of your head, and expressing sounds like hmm all provide cues to the speaker that they are being listened to. These are all things you probably do now without thinking about it.
Paraphrasing and asking clarifying questions cue the speaker that they are being heard, and here is the important piece, these two things aren’t necessarily done for your understanding, but to help the person speaking to clarify their own thoughts. Yes, it’s okay to talk when you stay focused on the speaker, or they invite you to participate.
Like your yoga practice, being a profound listener requires that you regularly show up and continually refine. It’s about stretching your capabilities and opening yourself up to discovery and deepening relationships. It’s about reimagining the way you listen.
Namaste.
