If you’ve spent time exploring how to communicate more effectively, it’s likely you’ve encountered this gem. We often insert BUT as a bridge between an observation and our thoughts about what we observed. Here is what I heard (or saw), this is what I think about it. While our intentions for genuine and even complimentary feedback are good, the moment we utter BUT, everything that came before it is overpowered by what comes next.
Google says “[BUT] is used to contrast something that is already mentioned. If your intention is offer a contrast you are good to go, otherwise BUT has no place in your dialogue. It sends a signal to the receiver that the news is about to get bad. Defenses go up, listening shuts down and at the end of it, the message you intended to send is not the one received.
Here is an example of what I mean. A manager gives feedback to Joe about his presentation. “I really liked the way you used storytelling to connect with the group, but I’m not sure your story resonated with everyone.”
What this manager meant to say is that she admired the creative approach Joe used with storytelling. What she observed is that his story may not (or did not) deliver the impact Joe was hoping for. What Joe heard: Your presentation bombed.
So here is the gem: Replace BUT with AND. AND creates space for other ideas and invites further dialogue.
“I really liked the way you used storytelling to connect with the group, AND I’m interested to learn how you came to choose that particular story.”
In this example the manager creates space for Joe to share. From a coaching context, the manager has invited Joe to reflect on his choice of story – and here is where the gold is mined. Joe is invited to review his thinking about the story he chose, and in doing so, he may become aware of what the manager observed. In this process, the manager gains a deeper understanding of Joe and in turn, Joe feels known by his manager.
Let’s try another example.
“I really like that dessert you made, but I’m going to make mine with fresh fruit.” Translation: My dessert is going to taste much better than yours.
IMPROVE YOUR OUTCOME BY DROPPING BUT AND EMBRACING AND.
“I really like that dessert you made, and I’m inspired to experiment with some different ingredients.”
See how AND opens things up? In her book Fierce Conversations Susan Scott wrote “Multiple realities are not competing. They just exist. You own a piece of the truth, and so do I.” BUT allows for only one reality: yours - whether you intended it to be that way or not.
What is available to you with AND?
Google the phrase “saying and instead of but”, (yes, it’s a thing), and you’ll find several thoughts on the subject and themes that emerge. AND is an effective communication device for giving constructive (and useful) feedback. It creates space for meaningful dialogue and that can lead to meaningful connection. With AND, you get an opportunity to be curious and learn. It lets you explore other options, to accept there is more than one way, idea, or solution.
A word of caution – sometimes BUT takes on a disguise and shows up as HOWEVER.
SAY NO TO BUT AND REAP THE REWARDS!