I believe that each of us is a leader, whether we hold that particular title or not. And from my perspective, the quote below sums that belief.
Being a self-leader, is to serve as chief, captain, president or CEO of one’s own life.
- Peter Drucker
Our primary responsibility as a human is to consciously lead ourselves through our thoughts, actions and behaviors.
Every day, we are gifted with opportunities to demonstrate our ability to self-manage so that we are showing up as leaders in exactly the way we both want and intend to. Recently, my self-management muscle got a workout at a strip mall with help from a delightful two-year-old. With daycare on a two-week break her grandfather and I stepped up to provide childcare for her and her older sister.
Full disclosure: I have not raised children of my own. Through observation I am aware that like adults, children + routine makes for generally content and well- adjusted humans. The routine for this week was to take the girls to dance camp, feed them lunch, get the toddler down for a nap, and keep them both occupied until dinner. Pretty straight forward.
When class was finished each day, we exchanged ballet shoes for outdoor shoes, grabbed the backpacks, stuffies and water bottles and off for lunch – either golden arches or home.
Nothing remarkable here right?
On the routine continuum, if such a thing exists, the left side being ‘doesn’t take a breath without a routine’ and the right side being ‘life is too short for same-same’, I am absolutely left leaning. I follow a pattern, create space now and then for variety and unexpected occurrences and essentially stick to the plan where it makes sense. This is the lens through which my world exists. Those of you who have raised (or are raising) children will now understand the error of my ways.
On one particular day, we were leaving the dance studio and in my mind the routine was clear: safely navigate the busy parking lot, get the girls into the car, buckle them in, then off for lunch. On this day, I was responsible for the two-year-old who wasn’t that keen on following my plan to get to the car. She was on a mission. She wanted to walk all the way to the end of the sidewalk along the strip mall to explore the different shops and see what there was to see. Major deviation from the plan? For some reason, that is the lens through which I saw it and how I was showing up. No amount of repeating instructions was going to change her mind, even though I foolishly continued to try.
Full on resistance.
This generally easy-going, beautiful toddler growls when she is being directed to do something she has no interest in. At most other times, it is amusing. On this day it was not. The third time I tried to take her hand to guide her in the opposite direction she growled. Already feeling completely out of control, I growled back. She stomped her foot, I stomped mine. Loudly. In less than 2 minutes, I was losing my mind.
Why was she insisting on messing up the routine?
Growling and stomping continued until I bottom-lined her. “We don’t want to get left behind…” Dirty pool on my part, and it worked like a charm.
The entire exchange that lasted less than ten minutes yet it stayed with me throughout the day, and clearly it’s remnants remain or I wouldn’t be writing about it. That’s what happens when I’m not pleased with how I show up. The memory lingers until I can make sense of it – and the sense-making that emerged was this: at what point did I lose my ability to self-manage (showing up the way I wanted to), to focus my energy on overpowering her?
The moment we walked out of the studio door.
I was so fully committed to what was next (get to the car), that I missed what could be. An opportunity for her to explore, experience some independence and take a moment to transition from where she had been to where we were going next.
The leadership lesson from the toddler?
When I’m being met with resistance, be mindful of the desire to overpower the other person and instead, replace that energy with curiosity. Ask questions to understand where the resistance may be coming from.
But wait. Who was the actual resistor in this story? It was me. I was resisting a change to what I thought was a well understood routine.
The International Coaching Federation has a great article on this very subject: How Leaders Can Grow Their Self-Management in Times of Change by Lenka Grackova, ACC.
The author provides six areas where you can strengthen your self-management skills. The ones I found most applicable to my situation were: Manage Emotions, Hold Yourself Accountable, and Adapt to Reality.
Oh, and my other takeaway? Losing your cool is not that cool.
