Feeling awkward and uncomfortable or becoming emotional are some of the reasons we avoid engaging in difficult conversations. Asking for a raise, (or asking for anything for that matter), sharing feelings of hurt or disappointment, or sticking up for yourself are a few examples of conversations that you try to convince yourself are better to steer clear of, than to face head on.
Except that avoiding a difficult conversation keeps you where you are. Stuck.
What’s possible when, instead of avoiding you could effectively resolve the situation? I guarantee you’ll expend less energy moving forward, than you will by staying where you are.
During my studies at Royal Roads University (yes, it really is Life.Changing) I was introduced to an easy to remember, four step framework that transforms a difficult conversation into thoughtful dialogue. It goes like this:
I see, I think, I feel, I want.*
Share an observation. I see, I noticed, I heard…
Open the dialogue with an observation. This keeps the tone neutral, non-accusatory and free from opinion. Frame this observation as though you captured it with a camera. It is what it is.
Share your thoughts about your observation.
I think…
What do you think about this observation? Sharing your thinking gives the other person clarity – they don’t have to guess or assume where you are coming from. A word of caution: make sure your thinking statement is just that, what you think, not what you feel.
Share how you feel about it. I feel… (confused, discouraged, angry, disappointed)
Speak your truth by describing the emotional impact the situation had on you. Use an “I” statement to convey ownership of your feelings, or you may come across as blaming the other person for making you feel a certain way.
State your desired outcome. I want, I request…
What is it you want? Clarify the resolution you are seeking so the other person doesn’t have to interpret or guess.
Like any developing skill, you’ll need to apply repetition and patience to work toward mastery. I find it helpful when I'm preparing for a difficult conversation to write out what I want to say in each of the four steps. This brings clarity to my message and helps me avoid stumbling in the moment.
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT.
I love the simplicity and effectiveness of this framework and how it helps me replace emotion with truthful observation. It opens the door of inquiry and gives both parties an opportunity to share and understand each other’s perspectives.
This is a tool I share often with clients, friends and recently with my entire organization in an effort to encourage thoughtful dialogue and effective communication.
You've got this! Stop putting off a difficult conversations and transform it into thoughtful dialogue.
“Words that are carefully framed and spoken are the most powerful means of communication there is.”
*Open The Front Door Communication Framework adapted from Tasha Souza, Humboldt State University, and the Learning Forum.